Remission? -- August 27th

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." -- John Wooden

Bad news first: my rash came back due to being taken off the Prednisone too quickly….I have been the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life for the last few days because it literally feels like i have mosquito bites everywhere on my body and I just wanna itch all the time. He put me back on prednisone with an even higher dose so I can already tell it's getting better because I'm not as itchy. I was 135 pounds when this all started…I'm now 150…..I'm feeling a little big but honestly I'd rather be a little big than be uncomfortable so bring on the steroids!!!! 

so now for the good news… I went to the doctor to get the results for my biopsy. He told me that the biopsy came out negative….no lymphoma was found. He told me that I am most likely in remission but he can't say for sure until i get another PET scan. Since there was cancer no where else in my first PET scan, he doesn't believe there will be any cancer anywhere else again. BASICALLY……i am 90% sure im in remission but I'm just waiting for him to tell me when my PET scan will be. The below picture I found on instagram and reposted it when I found out I'm most likely in remission…..anyone that knows me knows that this picture is 100 percent my personality so it was perfect when I found it. 

I remember thinking that I was going to die on May 20th when I found out. I got two tattoos that I always wanted the same day. I told everyone I loved them….I really thought that the doctor was going to tell me that I have weeks to live. Most people I know that had cancer…died….So to me….I was dying. It was the biggest relief for him to tell me that this is the onset of remission and I'm most likely cancer free. I've done a great job of hiding my fear…but i was scared everyday…all day, I would laugh and act like everything is okay…but almost every night, I wrote in my journal with watery eyes wondering why and what's next for me. I never let it be known when I was in public that I was sick….I don't like people feeling bad for me. I'm still worried obviously that maybe, just maybe, the cancer spread somewhere else. The doctor is pretty positive it didn't so I'm doing my best to believe him. I can't wait to get the PET scan results and just yell at the top of my lungs with 100 percent certainty, IM CANCER FREEE!!!!!!! Also…..everyone knows I can't dance…BUT i made a video of what I wanted to do in the doctors office when he told me the good news……AND…below that….a special shout out to my friend Ladiamond who has gone to the most doctors appointments with me and has been there for me every step of the way…crying more than me…and celebrating with me afterwords…. LOVE YOU!

Graphic PICS from Biopsy.... August 20th

"one of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm." -Catherine Pulsifer

Before I get to the VERY graphic pictures of my lesion and the biopsy of my lesion…I am going to talk about my continued birthday festivities with my friends. I went out this weekend and had my friends sleep over at my house for about three nights in a row and it was an amazing weekend and definitely got my mind off of what I knew was coming on monday…..the biopsy….

Going into my doctor's appointment.. I knew I was about to get a biopsy. I was ready. My blood work was normal as usual…I found out that I don't have to take prednisone anymore so if I gain weight, that's my own fault…can't blame it on medication anymore. I had my friend, Diamond, come with me to the doctor to hold me hand during the biopsy because that first shot that goes in to numb it….is PAINFUL…….this time it wasn't as painful though which was weird. There really are no words to say more about the actual biopsy…below are the pictures of the biopsy and if you get weird about graphic surgery looking pictures….don't look. I get the results of my biopsy next week and if there is no cancer left in this lesion..they will do a few more tests and see if I'm completely cancer free. If there is still cancer in my lesion, they want to find an alternative treatment for me since I had a very bad reaction to Brentuximab. I want to be very optimistic about next week but I just don't want to get my hopes up if it does end up being bad news…..

WARNING: Graphic pictures……these are the first pictures of me actually showing what my cancerous lesion looks like and where it is…sooo yeah

Her putting the numbing shot in.....I was holding Diamond's hand so tight lol

all numb...

getting the actual biopsy done...didnt feel ishhhh

stitching me up

last stitch!

now for the wait.........Monday needs to hurry on up....(oh and i realize that my hat is not actually on my head in all these pics....it was just there to hold on to and cover my eyes with)

Birthday stuff -- August 16th

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

After all the medications that the doctor gave me, my reaction to the third treatment is slowly but surely going away. A whole layer of my skin has been peeling off for the last two weeks but now that it is all better, my skin is actually looking better than it has ever looked. 

My birthday was August 11th…I went out before my birthday with my friends in LA. I love going out and forgetting about everything and just having a good time. I actually still have birthday celebrations coming up this weekend so that should be exciting.....

anyways...I was surprised a few days before my birthday that I was heading to NY. I was so happy to go home and see my best friends and my family. I share a birthday with my sister (obviously she is my twin) and my mom so it was nice being with them because my family are the most important people in the world to me. 

I went to my Grandmothers mausoleum in NY and I didn't think I would cry but I couldn't help but wanting her here in the flesh going through this with me. I feel like she would have listened to me and been there for me like nobody else and I just wish I had the strength that she had when she was going through this battle. 

I came back to LA with my mother to get blood work and have the doctor look at my skin and reaction to the last treatment. He told me that we are going to have to still hold off on getting the next treatment until this reaction is completely gone. He also is putting me on Prednisone….im sure most people know this is a steroid. It is a steroid that makes you gain a lot of weight as he warned me. My appearance hasn't change much since I found out I have cancer but I know that it will change in the next few months so I'm just trying to get ready for that. soo everybody watch out for chubby Kristin soon. I don't know exactly what to expect or when this weight will be put on but I'm ready. Maybe (i'm hoping) ill gain weight in the right places if you know what I mean… (like my booty lol). But that is definitely not going to happen so let me stop dreaming…..anyway…I'm getting a biopsy of my actual cancerous lesion on Monday so I'm nervous about that because that will tell me if there is any cancer even still in there. I've been so anxious and nervous and scared the last two weeks….I've been put on anti anxiety pills and sleeping pills among other things just to calm my nerves. I just want everything to be okay and I Want to continue treatment so that I can get this over with. I just want all of this to be over with……

Cancer sucks -- August 6

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

The lowest moment thus far……

I woke up with hives all over my body. From my hands to my feet. I called my doctor right away so nervous. He said that this is a possible side effect of Brentuximab. I felt better after he said it's just a side effect. Imagine having the urge to itch every ounce of your body every second. The first few days I just cried because I felt so helpless. I would just go in ice baths and cry. It still to this day is not better but my doctor gave me anxiety and sleep medication so that I am a little more calm. The doctor told to to wrap my hands after putting ointment on it. I did it…didn't work and was extremely uncomfortable but i tried. 

When I was home, I went to the ER so they could help me with what is going on and they just gave me an IV of benedryl… DID NOT HELP. waste of 4 hours. I try to ignore how miserable my body feels. Ive tried to go out but all I think about is how my body is itching and I feel weak. My hands look worse than the rest of my body. My legs, chest, arms, stomach and feet look more just like eczema. My skin looks red.....all of it....its so uncomfortable and Im hoping this medication will work because I hate feeling like this. 

When coming back to California from NY, I went to see my doctor and dermatologist  so they could take a look for it personally. They said that it was a very very bad reaction to the treatment and that they are going to have to take a biopsy of it just to make sure that everything is okay. My blood work was a normal though so that's a good sign. I had to postpone my fourth treatment due to this outbreak. They don't want the outbreak to get worse with another treatment or have something worse happen. They want to make sure all the side effects of the last treatment are gone before we start a new one. I just want to be normal again. No one understands how miserable I am in my own body right now…it sucks and I would never wish this on anybody. I have cried everyday since this has happened because I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want my cancer to be gone already :(. I'm not going to let this bump in the road stop me from having hope that I will be okay.

My birthday is on August  11th…..I just hope I'm feeling better by then. ..PS I got bangs.