Catheter -- Friday -- May 31st 1:20PM

(from my brother's friend, Alyssa) --> "what has happened to me has shaped my life, but it does not define me."

Before the procedure at City of Hope (literally it looks like a campus..such a beautiful facility)

Today I went to the doctor at 9pm to get a catheter put in my arm. I don't know how to describe it in like medical terms so I'm gonna explain it in my own words (which is gonna be horrible explaining)...basically its this IV kind of that they put in my arm that goes all the way to the middle of my chest in a vein. This catheter is put in because I have horrible veins and I don't want to have to keep getting poked whenever they need to take blood or give me treatments. The end of the catheter sticks out of my arm and thats where they connect the treatments I will be receiving and thats when they will get blood when I need my blood drawn. I have to keep it on for 6 months with a bandage over it. 

I just went to pasadena with this bandage on my arm and the person in American Apparel asked me why I had this bandage on and i never like saying "oh, cuz I have cancer"...but I don't know what else to say so whatever...sooo I said "I was just diagnosed with cancer and they are going to give me treatments through here but don't worry I'm not dying..." ...after I said that I was like (in my head)...why would she be worried? idk why I said that.....needless to say, she felt really awkward after that..and so did I....I need to think of a better way to say things.... in general.


I find out at 230/3PM today whether I'm doing Chemo or Brentuximab.....I'm nervous because they are such different treatments...one has a zillion side effects and one has barely any.....one will change my life dramatically and one will barely change it at all.....

 Below is after the procedure of the catheter. I am in a lot of pain now..its sore and I feel like I can't move my arm. I also feel like I feel the thing in my chest..but thats probably just in my head.

Below is a video once I got in the car after my procedure.....only ppl that know me will understand my sarcasm....but whatever. =)! 

My Students -- Thursday -- May 30th 6PM

"look your life straight in the eye!" - Helen Keller

Everyone that knows me knows that my students that I have been working with for the last year are my everything! They have been texting and calling me everyday since I left. They have put pictures up of me saying how much of a difference I've made in their lives. The most amazing things ever.

Here are some examples =)

 

Here is a few excerpts from one of my students. She wrote this essay on her hero (me)!

"One of my every day hero’s would have to be Ms. Graves. She is a hero of mine because a hero has your back no matter what. She had my back through thick and thin. In other words, she’s simply amazing. She’s cool to talk to, pretty, outgoing, and athletic just to name a few. Thus far in my life, she has made the greatest impact on my high school experience and me. She is like another sister I never asked for but glad I have."

"I didn’t even have a relationship with my sisters like I had with her. I knew she would keep it 100 with me. I wouldn’t lie to her and I know she would not lie to me. I can’t say that she was the only reason why I would go to school because I knew I had to go to school regardless but everyday I loved seeing her big forehead avatar looking fish tail braid self. Sometimes I would try to play mad at her but it never worked because she always used to catch me and pinch my neck. I just couldn’t pretend to be mad at her. It was impossible. I feel comfortable talking to her and telling her things. I would honestly go to her for advice before I go to my family or friends."

The following is an excerpt once I suddenly left when I found out I was sick...

"One day, she disappeared! She stopped coming to work. I started going to tutoring, getting help with projects, doing all my work but where was Ms. Graves? I felt betrayed because she told me to come and I did and she wasn’t there. The crazy part was she was the only city year person I would talk to. I told all my friends that she left me out to dry. I really planned on going to tutoring etc, but “oh well, forget her” were my exact words. I was done! I didn’t care. I didn’t want to hear her name. I was really kind of heartbroken then I was like I don’t even care about school. I am about to be out any ways. She’s probably in Time Square somewhere. I can’t speak for all the students at school but every day I asked about her! Not a day went by I didn’t ask but after a week, I stopped caring I didn’t ask anymore but deep, deep down I missed her! I never showed it, I just couldn’t wait till school was over. It was boring without Ms. Graves bugging me. I just couldn’t deal. She showed up after school one day to tell me and other students here she had been. It all made sense. She wasn’t betraying me, she was sick. Now that I knew what happened, I threw all of my anger of her not coming out the window. I can’t wait to see what the future holds with my sister, Kristin Graves.  I love you chick."

Now here are some pictures of my students and how amazing they are! I wish I had pictures of them all. But they have made the past year amazing. <3

Bone Marrow - Wednesday-- May 29, 2013 10:30PM

“believe you are far bigger than anything that can happen to you. Believe you are here for a reason.”

This morning I got to City of Hope at 8am. I am always nervous but this time I was extremely nervous because this is the first procedure I have ever gotten in my life. AND the first time being put under. When I got there, they put this huge IV in my arm and it just hurt. Mainly because I hate needles and it was just like -_-. I sat there with this IV in my arm for about 30 minutes until my doctor came and I’m always put at ease and happy when I see him. The woman came in to give me the anesthesia…she starting injecting it into me and I remember saying out loud “OOO I FEEL IT!” ..then I woke up and it was over….so weird but it was cool. I woke up and I guess the numbness where he did the bone marrow was still there because I couldn’t feel anything. I also took pictures of myself right after I woke up that I literally don’t remember taking…ANYWAY…Dr. Forman told my parents that it is good that I was put under because my bone was very very hard to get, Young bones are always hard he said and if I was awake it would be quite painful.

I left the hospital at like 11am and drove to go apartment hunting with my parents. I was walking around just fine and nothing really hurt. At about 3pm, I started getting the worst pains. It hurt to walk, lay down, stand up, sit down….everything. I was like geez louise…why am I in so much pain….and my mom reminded me its because he had to really push to get my bone marrow…..I am currently in bed and it still hurts but I took some advil and its feeling a little better. My mom left today and now its just me and my dad! He will be here on Friday when I find out whether I’m doing chemo or Brentuximab and he will be here Monday when I start my treatment whatever that might be. We will see!

Before the bone marrow biopsy

after the bone marrow biopsy

PET Scan Results - Tuesday -- May 28, 2013 11PM

Great news! I got my PET scan results back….There appears to be no cancer in my body except for the lesion on my skin. The reason that I say “appears” is because he still needs to check in my bone marrow to see if that’s the source of the cancer. The results of the PET scan were the best results I could have gotten. I don’t have cancer in any major organs. I’m not dying. The lesion/tumor that is on my skin is quite large and showed up black as ever on the PET scan. When he did the 360 of my body you can see that the lesion/tumor is on top of the abdominal wall. It has not penetrated the abdominal wall like I thought!

I was supposed to get my bone marrow biopsy today but I asked him how painful it is and if its going to be the worst pain of my life and he said if I’ve never broken a bone or ( I forgot the other things he said…) then yes it will be the worst pain. I’ve never had anything wrong with me so I was like no…..and he said he will put me under tomorrow and do it that way. Thank God. I don’t do well with pain.

Okay now back to the PET scan…..because of the results of the scan, I may not have to do chemotherapy. I still have to do some form of treatment once every three weeks for six months but it may not be chemotherapy. The type of lymphoma that it seems like I have, which is just based in the skin, is a very very rare form of lymphoma. One where there is no source from inside the body..its all in the skin. My doctor helped make a new drug that targets CD30 (I think) which is in my tumor on my stomach. This new drug is called Brentuximab. It is usually used after chemo when chemo doesn’t work. My doctor believes that because this is just in the skin, I don’t have to do such an intrusive form of treatment and can just to Brentuximab. This is all only if there is no cancer in my bone marrow and all the doctors agree with this decision. I hope they do because there are barely any side effects with this form of treatment. He said that if we do this form and it doesn’t seem to work, I will be starting chemo in about 9 weeks. I think this drug is worth a try. I'm starting treatment on Monday whether its chemo or brentuximab......I just want to be healthy.... (but I do hope its not chemo)

I also really want this lesion to go down….its painful and big and you can see if through my clothing….i cant lay on my stomach (which is how I typically sleep) and I can’t wear my seatbelt because it rubs it =/…. Tomorrow im being put under for the bone marrow biopsy….i’ll be put under so I will barely feel it =)

The text my dad sent me a few hours after we got the PET scan results.

optimistic

Tuesday-- May 28, 2013 9:30AM

“courage is fear that said its prayers”

I’ve been waiting for a call for my appointment since the PET scan and I just got the call that at 5:30PM today, I have a bone marrow biopsy and will be getting the results of my PET scan. I am more nervous now than I was for my first appointment with him because what if the cancer is all over my body? Last night I was sweating so much. I don’t know if its because of the cancer or I’m just so nervous. I just have a feeling that the cancer is more severe than he thought.

It’s just weird because I always thought if you have cancer, you don’t feel perfectly healthy like I do. I get pains in my lesion a lot but that’s really it. My stomach hurts a lot too but that could just be because I haven’t really been able to eat.

I really just don’t want him to say anything bad in front of my dad who is coming in today. I just want my dad to relax and this might make him more stressed.

Stephen Forman (my amazing doctor) told me they’ve been talking about me  A LOT in all caps. I do’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I think it’s a good thing because he really cares about me and wants me to be healed. He is just trying to find the right way to go about this.

I keep thinking about how the lady at the PET scan said I should really pray on this one. She saw something ---I just can feel it. I’m hoping she has no idea how to read it and just saying that because she is a really religious black lady. =)

I don’t know how to change my negative thoughts. They are everywhere. I want to start chemo already. I’m ready to fight!

This is a bracelet that is for lymphoma (color for lymphoma is lime green) 

The bracelet says "together we will find a cure" 

My mother bought a bunch of these bracelets so all my close friends and my family can wear them.