Remission? -- August 27th

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." -- John Wooden

Bad news first: my rash came back due to being taken off the Prednisone too quickly….I have been the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life for the last few days because it literally feels like i have mosquito bites everywhere on my body and I just wanna itch all the time. He put me back on prednisone with an even higher dose so I can already tell it's getting better because I'm not as itchy. I was 135 pounds when this all started…I'm now 150…..I'm feeling a little big but honestly I'd rather be a little big than be uncomfortable so bring on the steroids!!!! 

so now for the good news… I went to the doctor to get the results for my biopsy. He told me that the biopsy came out negative….no lymphoma was found. He told me that I am most likely in remission but he can't say for sure until i get another PET scan. Since there was cancer no where else in my first PET scan, he doesn't believe there will be any cancer anywhere else again. BASICALLY……i am 90% sure im in remission but I'm just waiting for him to tell me when my PET scan will be. The below picture I found on instagram and reposted it when I found out I'm most likely in remission…..anyone that knows me knows that this picture is 100 percent my personality so it was perfect when I found it. 

I remember thinking that I was going to die on May 20th when I found out. I got two tattoos that I always wanted the same day. I told everyone I loved them….I really thought that the doctor was going to tell me that I have weeks to live. Most people I know that had cancer…died….So to me….I was dying. It was the biggest relief for him to tell me that this is the onset of remission and I'm most likely cancer free. I've done a great job of hiding my fear…but i was scared everyday…all day, I would laugh and act like everything is okay…but almost every night, I wrote in my journal with watery eyes wondering why and what's next for me. I never let it be known when I was in public that I was sick….I don't like people feeling bad for me. I'm still worried obviously that maybe, just maybe, the cancer spread somewhere else. The doctor is pretty positive it didn't so I'm doing my best to believe him. I can't wait to get the PET scan results and just yell at the top of my lungs with 100 percent certainty, IM CANCER FREEE!!!!!!! Also…..everyone knows I can't dance…BUT i made a video of what I wanted to do in the doctors office when he told me the good news……AND…below that….a special shout out to my friend Ladiamond who has gone to the most doctors appointments with me and has been there for me every step of the way…crying more than me…and celebrating with me afterwords…. LOVE YOU!

Graphic PICS from Biopsy.... August 20th

"one of the best lessons you can learn in life is to master how to remain calm." -Catherine Pulsifer

Before I get to the VERY graphic pictures of my lesion and the biopsy of my lesion…I am going to talk about my continued birthday festivities with my friends. I went out this weekend and had my friends sleep over at my house for about three nights in a row and it was an amazing weekend and definitely got my mind off of what I knew was coming on monday…..the biopsy….

Going into my doctor's appointment.. I knew I was about to get a biopsy. I was ready. My blood work was normal as usual…I found out that I don't have to take prednisone anymore so if I gain weight, that's my own fault…can't blame it on medication anymore. I had my friend, Diamond, come with me to the doctor to hold me hand during the biopsy because that first shot that goes in to numb it….is PAINFUL…….this time it wasn't as painful though which was weird. There really are no words to say more about the actual biopsy…below are the pictures of the biopsy and if you get weird about graphic surgery looking pictures….don't look. I get the results of my biopsy next week and if there is no cancer left in this lesion..they will do a few more tests and see if I'm completely cancer free. If there is still cancer in my lesion, they want to find an alternative treatment for me since I had a very bad reaction to Brentuximab. I want to be very optimistic about next week but I just don't want to get my hopes up if it does end up being bad news…..

WARNING: Graphic pictures……these are the first pictures of me actually showing what my cancerous lesion looks like and where it is…sooo yeah

Her putting the numbing shot in.....I was holding Diamond's hand so tight lol

all numb...

getting the actual biopsy done...didnt feel ishhhh

stitching me up

last stitch!

now for the wait.........Monday needs to hurry on up....(oh and i realize that my hat is not actually on my head in all these pics....it was just there to hold on to and cover my eyes with)

Birthday stuff -- August 16th

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

After all the medications that the doctor gave me, my reaction to the third treatment is slowly but surely going away. A whole layer of my skin has been peeling off for the last two weeks but now that it is all better, my skin is actually looking better than it has ever looked. 

My birthday was August 11th…I went out before my birthday with my friends in LA. I love going out and forgetting about everything and just having a good time. I actually still have birthday celebrations coming up this weekend so that should be exciting.....

anyways...I was surprised a few days before my birthday that I was heading to NY. I was so happy to go home and see my best friends and my family. I share a birthday with my sister (obviously she is my twin) and my mom so it was nice being with them because my family are the most important people in the world to me. 

I went to my Grandmothers mausoleum in NY and I didn't think I would cry but I couldn't help but wanting her here in the flesh going through this with me. I feel like she would have listened to me and been there for me like nobody else and I just wish I had the strength that she had when she was going through this battle. 

I came back to LA with my mother to get blood work and have the doctor look at my skin and reaction to the last treatment. He told me that we are going to have to still hold off on getting the next treatment until this reaction is completely gone. He also is putting me on Prednisone….im sure most people know this is a steroid. It is a steroid that makes you gain a lot of weight as he warned me. My appearance hasn't change much since I found out I have cancer but I know that it will change in the next few months so I'm just trying to get ready for that. soo everybody watch out for chubby Kristin soon. I don't know exactly what to expect or when this weight will be put on but I'm ready. Maybe (i'm hoping) ill gain weight in the right places if you know what I mean… (like my booty lol). But that is definitely not going to happen so let me stop dreaming…..anyway…I'm getting a biopsy of my actual cancerous lesion on Monday so I'm nervous about that because that will tell me if there is any cancer even still in there. I've been so anxious and nervous and scared the last two weeks….I've been put on anti anxiety pills and sleeping pills among other things just to calm my nerves. I just want everything to be okay and I Want to continue treatment so that I can get this over with. I just want all of this to be over with……

Cancer sucks -- August 6

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

The lowest moment thus far……

I woke up with hives all over my body. From my hands to my feet. I called my doctor right away so nervous. He said that this is a possible side effect of Brentuximab. I felt better after he said it's just a side effect. Imagine having the urge to itch every ounce of your body every second. The first few days I just cried because I felt so helpless. I would just go in ice baths and cry. It still to this day is not better but my doctor gave me anxiety and sleep medication so that I am a little more calm. The doctor told to to wrap my hands after putting ointment on it. I did it…didn't work and was extremely uncomfortable but i tried. 

When I was home, I went to the ER so they could help me with what is going on and they just gave me an IV of benedryl… DID NOT HELP. waste of 4 hours. I try to ignore how miserable my body feels. Ive tried to go out but all I think about is how my body is itching and I feel weak. My hands look worse than the rest of my body. My legs, chest, arms, stomach and feet look more just like eczema. My skin looks red.....all of it....its so uncomfortable and Im hoping this medication will work because I hate feeling like this. 

When coming back to California from NY, I went to see my doctor and dermatologist  so they could take a look for it personally. They said that it was a very very bad reaction to the treatment and that they are going to have to take a biopsy of it just to make sure that everything is okay. My blood work was a normal though so that's a good sign. I had to postpone my fourth treatment due to this outbreak. They don't want the outbreak to get worse with another treatment or have something worse happen. They want to make sure all the side effects of the last treatment are gone before we start a new one. I just want to be normal again. No one understands how miserable I am in my own body right now…it sucks and I would never wish this on anybody. I have cried everyday since this has happened because I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want my cancer to be gone already :(. I'm not going to let this bump in the road stop me from having hope that I will be okay.

My birthday is on August  11th…..I just hope I'm feeling better by then. ..PS I got bangs.

Live Life Like You've Always Lived It - July 29th

"Eventually all thing fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know everything happens for a reason."

My sister has been in LA for weeks. I decided to take her to Malibu to see the beach and how beautiful it is there. We had the most amazing time on the beach. My friend Raven came as well. We always go to the most quiet part of the beach so we can just do whatever we want…

I went to City of Hope last Monday to go to the dermatologist. I have a few more side effects from my treatment this time. I have gotten eczema all over my skin (even my hands) and I never had eczema in my life so it's very uncomfortable. She told me that I shouldn't be worried about it and that with some skin ointment it should go away…so whatever…im dealing with it. anyway…. My friends have never been to the City of Hope so I took my friends Raven and Diamond because they wanted to put wishes on the wishing trees. They thought that City of Hope was a beautiful place and I'm glad that I was able to show them where I spend so much of my time. 

I received a wonderful card in the mail from my great aunt, Hazel. It pretty much just said I'm going to kick cancer in the ass and it was hilarious but motivating at the same time. My parents friend also sent me a card with a bracelet that says "STRENGTH" on it. I now wear that bracelet everyday. I used to never wear jewelry but within the last few months I've gotten so many different little pieces that represent my cancer and getting through it so I wear them all!

I try to keep my life the way it was before I found out. I still like to go out and have a good time with my friends. I pace myself though…I won't go out if I'm too tired. Last weekend I went to the club with my friends and it was nice showing Erika, my sister, the club scene in LA.

I found out two days before I came that I will be flying to NY to see my family and my friends. I landed at 5AM and spent the day with my family and then at night time went to the city to see Erin and Taylor. My sister and I ended up spending the entire weekend with them and it was so fun to have the four of us together again because that hasn't happened in a while. My other best friend, Bianca, was able to join us as well and it felt like high school days so that was amazing! I am going to be in NY until Friday so I'm going to figure out if I can go see them again before I leave. 

ESPYS -- July 20

"When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen" - Brian Tracey

I did runyon again with my sister…I literally hate working out..I had to stop every like 5 minutes…It is very rewarding when you get to the top though..I am having some chest pains but I don't know if it's because I really am having chest pains or it is because I forgot to wear two sports bras. (if you have big tatas, you know why that is important). Below are pics from runyon =)

I've been dealing with random symptoms after this treatment….I'm always tired but have trouble sleeping, random stomach pains and I got these small bumps on both of my arms and legs…the doctor said it's from the treatment and I have nothing to worry about but I was scared for a second…I also gained about 10 pounds since May 20th (the day I found out)..I dont know where or how but it happened...so that's weird...ANYWAY....

I was lucky enough to be invited to the ESPYS this year by a friend. I was told 30 minutes before that I was going so I got ready in literally 20 minutes. I usually don't take long to get ready for anything so it really wasn't a problem. ANYWAY….when I got there, I had great seats. Before I get to the emotional parts of the evening…..I was asked by two men to be an actress for something…..I kindly denied both of their offers because I would be the WORST actress ever. My friends were like that would be cool to be on TV or whatever but literally the last thing I want to be is famous. (not saying I would be famous from saying yes to those men but I am just not interested)….

Also another thing…..the way that some athletes approach women is ridiculous….One man stood outside the bathroom for when I got out to say "Yo…just tell me your name.."…….umm.. "my name is Kristin…I gotta go.."…like no. And at the ESPYS after party…some man came up to me…stopped in front of me…looked me up and down..and said "mm mm mm" ….i literally made this face -_-… and kept walking….like hell no. What successful men don't understand is that SOME women don't care how much you make or how good looking you are…you have to be able to approach me like I have some respect or I won't give you a second look….

ANYWAY…. I was sitting there so happy I was at the awards that I was not prepared for what was about to come… the Arthur Ashe courage award. Robin Roberts had a beautiful speech and the video that came before had me sobbing. I know plenty of people around me were tearing up and what not…but I was literally crying like blowing my nose…..A few months ago, her story would have maybe brought one tear to my eye but after being diagnosed with cancer and KNOWING what she feels, it hit me way harder. Below are a few quotes from her speech that really touched me:

"through it all, I learned that true strength isn't when you face down life's challenges on your own…it's when you take them on by accepting the help, faith and love of others and knowing you are lucky to have those."

"When fear knocks, let faith answer the door…"

"find the meaning behind whatever it is you're going through because everybody has got something."

At the ESPYS after party, I was fortunate enough to speak with Stuart Scott. He was diagnosed with cancer again in January of this year. I whispered to him that I was just diagnosed with cancer in May…he gave me the biggest hug and gave me hope. He told me everything will be okay. He has been a survivor of cancer before and will be a survivor again. His strength is inspiring. He said before we departed ways  "gimme a hug…" and that hug made my eyes tear up because we know each others struggle…we know each others pain and although we are both so scared, we are standing strong. 

Third Treatment -- July 16

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." - Anonymous 

My twin sister is in town for a few weeks. I've taken her out and shown her a little of LA. I'm going to show her more throughout these three weeks. I have to make a list of the different places to take her. 

Last week, I woke up with literally 11 bumps on my arm. I was so scared that it was a bad reaction to the treatment. I realized once I woke up that it was because I left my window open with the lights on. It was 11 mosquito bites. 

Before my third treatment, I went out a few times with my friends. We went to Santa Monica beach and a day party. During the day party, Zimmerman was found not guilty…We had to leave early because I was literally crying in the day party. I won't get into how I feel about that situation right now because I could go on for days. Anyway, it was fun to be with my friends. They are all really busy a lot so it's nice to get us all together sometimes.

My third treatment was different than normal only because I don't have my catheter anymore. They had to poke me and I literally hate needles. Once they put my IV in, I had to keep my arm straight for literally 2 hours….You never realize how much you need both of your arms until you can't use one for a long period of time. Once they brought the Brentuximab in, it only took 30 minutes for it to be injected in my arm. After treatment, I felt so tired…..more tired than normal. My stomach also had a lot of pains as well….It lasted all night but I woke up this morning and felt just fine. 

You can only pretend to be happy for so long. Since the beginning of me finding out I had cancer, I've been smiling and trying to distract myself by going out. Every person that I've talked to that had cancer told me that at some point you will hit a very low point. After my third treatment, I'm definitely there. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the future. I get excited about nothing nowadays. I am trying to be happy but again, you can only pretend for so long. Every little thing irritates me and I feel like no one understands. Positivity is the only way for me to get through this and I'm trying….very hard. 

Boring week -- July 9

"Feeling…means you're dealing…means you're healing"

Hello!!!

Below is the entrance to City of Hope...

So this past week has been amazing! My two best friends, Erin and Taylor, came to visit me from New York. I have been overly bored these past few months because when I'm not at the doctor, I'm just home bored. When they came, we went out, we worked out and it was just good times. They are both in WAYYY better shape than I am so doing Runyon with them was a little challenging but I'm glad I did it. I love them so much and can't wait for them to visit again! My sister is coming to stay with me for a few weeks. I am actually really excited for her to come. If I told her that though, she would get all mushy and annoying about it so I don't. I'll have someone to be with all day and not have to be bored out of my mind at home alone everyday. 

This past week….I was driving in Westwood showing Erin and Taylor UCLA. While I was driving, I was getting a sharp pain in my inner thigh and I was like saying out loud "omg something is happening to my thigh right now…it hurts so bad.." so all of us (at least I did) thought it had something to do with my cancer or a side effect or something. I pulled over the car and right when I pulled over I got the worst pain ever so I hurried and put the car in park and got out of the car….When I looked back at my seat, there was a dead bee -_-….I was getting STUNG while i was driving……..horrible feeling. When I went to the dermatologist yesterday, she took the stinger out (after 2 days of having it in)

Since the catheter has been out, I haven't gotten questions everyday about my cancer. It really is a relief to not have to think about what to wear and how to cover it. Some days, I even forget that I have cancer. ANYWAY..that's all I did this week….Monday is my third treatment….If there are still no side effects after that treatment, I will be getting a job because I canNOT be this bored everyday 

Catheter is out! July 2

"Life is simple, it's just not easy"

The catheter is out!!! When they took off the bandages protecting the catheter, they saw that all the tape they were using to cover it was irritating my skin so right now it looks like I have eczema on half of my arm. They pulled a 42 inch tube out of my arm and I literally didn't feel a thing. I was expecting to be in so much pain!

I was always so uncomfortable with the catheter on my arm so I really am overjoyed that it is no longer in me. I no longer have to cover half my arm before I get in the shower. I no longer have to explain what it is every day! I'm so happy it's out...Because the catheter is out, I only have to get poked once every THREE weeks for blood draw and treatment..I still have to go back to the doctor once a week so that they can check the progression of my tumor. Below is a video from when I was getting my catheter taken out.

As everyone knows, I don't react well to people pitying me. I made a video of the top three reactions I get from older people when I tell them I have cancer.

Anyway...as I was walking around City Of Hope yesterday. I went to the library because I had a lot of spare time in between appointments. I found a whole section explaining different cancers, treatment, coping, and symptom management. They had a whole section for lymphoma and I took a few books to read at home but one is definitely my favorite. In this book they give great advice on what to do in between treatments, how to steer away from negative thoughts, and why it's important to have a diary throughout this whole process. I made this blog to help others but I now realize I also made this blog because cancer is too big and scary to deal with alone. This blog has not only helped others but it also helps me to cope with my cancer.