Live Life Like You've Always Lived It - July 29th

"Eventually all thing fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know everything happens for a reason."

My sister has been in LA for weeks. I decided to take her to Malibu to see the beach and how beautiful it is there. We had the most amazing time on the beach. My friend Raven came as well. We always go to the most quiet part of the beach so we can just do whatever we want…

I went to City of Hope last Monday to go to the dermatologist. I have a few more side effects from my treatment this time. I have gotten eczema all over my skin (even my hands) and I never had eczema in my life so it's very uncomfortable. She told me that I shouldn't be worried about it and that with some skin ointment it should go away…so whatever…im dealing with it. anyway…. My friends have never been to the City of Hope so I took my friends Raven and Diamond because they wanted to put wishes on the wishing trees. They thought that City of Hope was a beautiful place and I'm glad that I was able to show them where I spend so much of my time. 

I received a wonderful card in the mail from my great aunt, Hazel. It pretty much just said I'm going to kick cancer in the ass and it was hilarious but motivating at the same time. My parents friend also sent me a card with a bracelet that says "STRENGTH" on it. I now wear that bracelet everyday. I used to never wear jewelry but within the last few months I've gotten so many different little pieces that represent my cancer and getting through it so I wear them all!

I try to keep my life the way it was before I found out. I still like to go out and have a good time with my friends. I pace myself though…I won't go out if I'm too tired. Last weekend I went to the club with my friends and it was nice showing Erika, my sister, the club scene in LA.

I found out two days before I came that I will be flying to NY to see my family and my friends. I landed at 5AM and spent the day with my family and then at night time went to the city to see Erin and Taylor. My sister and I ended up spending the entire weekend with them and it was so fun to have the four of us together again because that hasn't happened in a while. My other best friend, Bianca, was able to join us as well and it felt like high school days so that was amazing! I am going to be in NY until Friday so I'm going to figure out if I can go see them again before I leave. 

ESPYS -- July 20

"When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen" - Brian Tracey

I did runyon again with my sister…I literally hate working out..I had to stop every like 5 minutes…It is very rewarding when you get to the top though..I am having some chest pains but I don't know if it's because I really am having chest pains or it is because I forgot to wear two sports bras. (if you have big tatas, you know why that is important). Below are pics from runyon =)

I've been dealing with random symptoms after this treatment….I'm always tired but have trouble sleeping, random stomach pains and I got these small bumps on both of my arms and legs…the doctor said it's from the treatment and I have nothing to worry about but I was scared for a second…I also gained about 10 pounds since May 20th (the day I found out)..I dont know where or how but it happened...so that's weird...ANYWAY....

I was lucky enough to be invited to the ESPYS this year by a friend. I was told 30 minutes before that I was going so I got ready in literally 20 minutes. I usually don't take long to get ready for anything so it really wasn't a problem. ANYWAY….when I got there, I had great seats. Before I get to the emotional parts of the evening…..I was asked by two men to be an actress for something…..I kindly denied both of their offers because I would be the WORST actress ever. My friends were like that would be cool to be on TV or whatever but literally the last thing I want to be is famous. (not saying I would be famous from saying yes to those men but I am just not interested)….

Also another thing…..the way that some athletes approach women is ridiculous….One man stood outside the bathroom for when I got out to say "Yo…just tell me your name.."…….umm.. "my name is Kristin…I gotta go.."…like no. And at the ESPYS after party…some man came up to me…stopped in front of me…looked me up and down..and said "mm mm mm" ….i literally made this face -_-… and kept walking….like hell no. What successful men don't understand is that SOME women don't care how much you make or how good looking you are…you have to be able to approach me like I have some respect or I won't give you a second look….

ANYWAY…. I was sitting there so happy I was at the awards that I was not prepared for what was about to come… the Arthur Ashe courage award. Robin Roberts had a beautiful speech and the video that came before had me sobbing. I know plenty of people around me were tearing up and what not…but I was literally crying like blowing my nose…..A few months ago, her story would have maybe brought one tear to my eye but after being diagnosed with cancer and KNOWING what she feels, it hit me way harder. Below are a few quotes from her speech that really touched me:

"through it all, I learned that true strength isn't when you face down life's challenges on your own…it's when you take them on by accepting the help, faith and love of others and knowing you are lucky to have those."

"When fear knocks, let faith answer the door…"

"find the meaning behind whatever it is you're going through because everybody has got something."

At the ESPYS after party, I was fortunate enough to speak with Stuart Scott. He was diagnosed with cancer again in January of this year. I whispered to him that I was just diagnosed with cancer in May…he gave me the biggest hug and gave me hope. He told me everything will be okay. He has been a survivor of cancer before and will be a survivor again. His strength is inspiring. He said before we departed ways  "gimme a hug…" and that hug made my eyes tear up because we know each others struggle…we know each others pain and although we are both so scared, we are standing strong. 

Third Treatment -- July 16

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do." - Anonymous 

My twin sister is in town for a few weeks. I've taken her out and shown her a little of LA. I'm going to show her more throughout these three weeks. I have to make a list of the different places to take her. 

Last week, I woke up with literally 11 bumps on my arm. I was so scared that it was a bad reaction to the treatment. I realized once I woke up that it was because I left my window open with the lights on. It was 11 mosquito bites. 

Before my third treatment, I went out a few times with my friends. We went to Santa Monica beach and a day party. During the day party, Zimmerman was found not guilty…We had to leave early because I was literally crying in the day party. I won't get into how I feel about that situation right now because I could go on for days. Anyway, it was fun to be with my friends. They are all really busy a lot so it's nice to get us all together sometimes.

My third treatment was different than normal only because I don't have my catheter anymore. They had to poke me and I literally hate needles. Once they put my IV in, I had to keep my arm straight for literally 2 hours….You never realize how much you need both of your arms until you can't use one for a long period of time. Once they brought the Brentuximab in, it only took 30 minutes for it to be injected in my arm. After treatment, I felt so tired…..more tired than normal. My stomach also had a lot of pains as well….It lasted all night but I woke up this morning and felt just fine. 

You can only pretend to be happy for so long. Since the beginning of me finding out I had cancer, I've been smiling and trying to distract myself by going out. Every person that I've talked to that had cancer told me that at some point you will hit a very low point. After my third treatment, I'm definitely there. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the future. I get excited about nothing nowadays. I am trying to be happy but again, you can only pretend for so long. Every little thing irritates me and I feel like no one understands. Positivity is the only way for me to get through this and I'm trying….very hard. 

Boring week -- July 9

"Feeling…means you're dealing…means you're healing"

Hello!!!

Below is the entrance to City of Hope...

So this past week has been amazing! My two best friends, Erin and Taylor, came to visit me from New York. I have been overly bored these past few months because when I'm not at the doctor, I'm just home bored. When they came, we went out, we worked out and it was just good times. They are both in WAYYY better shape than I am so doing Runyon with them was a little challenging but I'm glad I did it. I love them so much and can't wait for them to visit again! My sister is coming to stay with me for a few weeks. I am actually really excited for her to come. If I told her that though, she would get all mushy and annoying about it so I don't. I'll have someone to be with all day and not have to be bored out of my mind at home alone everyday. 

This past week….I was driving in Westwood showing Erin and Taylor UCLA. While I was driving, I was getting a sharp pain in my inner thigh and I was like saying out loud "omg something is happening to my thigh right now…it hurts so bad.." so all of us (at least I did) thought it had something to do with my cancer or a side effect or something. I pulled over the car and right when I pulled over I got the worst pain ever so I hurried and put the car in park and got out of the car….When I looked back at my seat, there was a dead bee -_-….I was getting STUNG while i was driving……..horrible feeling. When I went to the dermatologist yesterday, she took the stinger out (after 2 days of having it in)

Since the catheter has been out, I haven't gotten questions everyday about my cancer. It really is a relief to not have to think about what to wear and how to cover it. Some days, I even forget that I have cancer. ANYWAY..that's all I did this week….Monday is my third treatment….If there are still no side effects after that treatment, I will be getting a job because I canNOT be this bored everyday 

Catheter is out! July 2

"Life is simple, it's just not easy"

The catheter is out!!! When they took off the bandages protecting the catheter, they saw that all the tape they were using to cover it was irritating my skin so right now it looks like I have eczema on half of my arm. They pulled a 42 inch tube out of my arm and I literally didn't feel a thing. I was expecting to be in so much pain!

I was always so uncomfortable with the catheter on my arm so I really am overjoyed that it is no longer in me. I no longer have to cover half my arm before I get in the shower. I no longer have to explain what it is every day! I'm so happy it's out...Because the catheter is out, I only have to get poked once every THREE weeks for blood draw and treatment..I still have to go back to the doctor once a week so that they can check the progression of my tumor. Below is a video from when I was getting my catheter taken out.

As everyone knows, I don't react well to people pitying me. I made a video of the top three reactions I get from older people when I tell them I have cancer.

Anyway...as I was walking around City Of Hope yesterday. I went to the library because I had a lot of spare time in between appointments. I found a whole section explaining different cancers, treatment, coping, and symptom management. They had a whole section for lymphoma and I took a few books to read at home but one is definitely my favorite. In this book they give great advice on what to do in between treatments, how to steer away from negative thoughts, and why it's important to have a diary throughout this whole process. I made this blog to help others but I now realize I also made this blog because cancer is too big and scary to deal with alone. This blog has not only helped others but it also helps me to cope with my cancer.

Out of Arcadia! June 29

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny." -Mahatma Ghandi

If anyone doesn't know this…i was living in a hotel for a month searching for different apartments to move into. well…I finally moved out of the hotel and I found a perfect apartment downtown looking over the city. Hotel life was horrible….only good thing was housekeeping and room service…. The hotel was also in Arcadia…and if anyone doesn't know what Arcadia is, it is one of the most boring towns I've ever been to in my life soo… Glad I'm out of Arcadia and in downtown LA!

I went to City of Hope on an emergency call because my catheter was hurting and itching and it's not supposed to do that. I went in and when they took off the bandage, my skin was all puffy and red. I think I'm allergic to the tape that they are putting over the catheter but anyway….I decided that I'm taking the catheter out for a few reasons:

1. It's the most uncomfortable thing ever

2. I have to put a cover on it every time I shower

3. I get asked what it is EVERY DAY at least 3 times a day and telling people I have cancer over and over again and having them look at me with the pity face is getting old. 

SOO Monday is the day I'm getting it out….getting the catheter out means that I have to get poked a lot to take blood and for my treatment. I hate needles so much but I'd rather deal with a little poking once or twice a week than deal with this catheter 24/7. 

Every time I get the catheter cleaned, I have to wear a mask.  I'm not sure the exact reason why.... I just follow the rules.

Every time I'm at City of Hope, I always discover something new and beautiful on their campus. I found a Japanese garden filled with trees and flowers and a pond. The pond had the biggest, most beautiful fish I've ever seen. A lot of people meditate in the Japanese Garden. There are different rocks for people to sit on in quiet spaces around the garden. There are also many benches. I'm not a huge meditation person because sitting still is not really my thing BUT I've been trying to get myself to just sit down, relax and think lately so maybe next time I go there…I'll TRY to meditate. (gotta look on youtube to see how to meditate lol)

There are many statues on City of Hope's campus that people donate but two stand out to me. One is "Virgen de Guadalupe" and one is Pope John Paul. I always see people surrounding these two statues and praying. People put crosses and flowers and candles in front of both statues. I was not a very religious person before I found out I had cancer. I think I'm starting to become more religious….maybe more spiritual than religious actually. I've always been confused about religion and that is why I always just say I believe in a higher power. Whoever my higher power is (which I personally believe is God for now), is who I pray to. 

Second Treatment -- June 24th

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” Mother Teresa

I received my second treatment today. This time I got my own small room! I loved it!…last time I was in a room filled with other cancer patients getting treatment. All the patients were elderly and I felt very out of place and a little sad in that room. Being a young person with cancer, I am stared at a lot. I see the look the elder people give me when I walk in the room. It's the "aww she is too young.." look.....and I just smile back but it still makes me a little uncomfortable...

Before every treatment, they give me a Benadryl and hydrocortisone to help any possible side effects of the Brentuximab (my chemo). 

This time the treatment took an hour. I am trying to figure out different things to do during treatment. I finished The Walking Dead already on Netflix and started watching Revenge today. IF ANYONE HAS NOT WATCHED THE WALKING DEAD…u need to ASAP….amazing show! Anyway, treatment is actually relaxing and I can feel the cold liquid going into my body…feels kinda cool actually. I get cold though so I brought my Lymphoma blanket with me! 

I found a meditation center in the City of Hope today. It is amazing. There is no one ever in there really. I went in there and just sat there and looked around. I've been thinking negatively lately more than usual about this whole process. I know that I will beat cancer but I've been just mad thinking about why this is happening to me. I know this whole process will make me a better person but it's been tough lately. I prayed and sat in silence for about 30 minutes. The meditation center is for all faiths. Below are pictures of the mediation center. I discover something new every time that I go to the City Of Hope…what an AMAZING facility!

What I have learned but still struggling with now is the internet. My advice to anyone that is diagnosed with cancer is to STAY OFF THE INTERNET. When I first got diagnosed, I looked up so many things and cried literally all day everyday thinking that I had every possible disease in the book. I remember my knee really hurting so I literally thought I had cancer in my whole leg for about a week. I thought I had cancer anywhere I had pain until I got my PET scan results back. 

Now, unfortunately, I still use the internet to look up different things and it scares me. The doctor tells me to stay off the internet so I've been getting better. The internet will tell you that you are dying. No matter what I look up, the internet does a great job of telling me I'm dying when in reality, I'm not. The internet does nothing but add to the negative thoughts you may already have. The doctor knows best and trusting him/her is the best thing you can do. 

Follow Up with the Doc -- June 18

"There is no profit in curing the body if in the process we destroy the soul." 

Three appointments today --- 3 hours at the hospital….

I am not going to complain about having to go to the hospital every week for hours and hours although I really want to…

Good news is that the doctor said my recovery has been remarkable. My tumor used to be 10.5cm and it is now 5.5cm. My blood work is all normal except for my liver enzymes being elevated once again. My doctors exact words were "the elevated liver enzymes are most likely from the treatment unless you are lying to me about how much you're drinking…"..I really haven't been lying to him about my drinking so I know for a fact it's from my treatment. 

Below is a picture when I was bored waiting for the nurse to come in.. I decided to give myself an ear examination =) (not actually…that would be kinda unsanitary to actually put that in my ear)

I got my catheter cleaned and redressed again. The nurse doing it was so optimistic and happy. She laughed at everything I said too which made me feel like I was actually funny for a second. I know what I was saying was really not that funny but she made it seem like it was sooo whatever. Her stomach kept growling and she said she just ate so she doesn't know why…and I was like "well I guess you gotta use the bathroom.." she laughed and then told me "You must be a bad girl…"..I don't really know how she came to that conclusion from me telling her that she probably had to go to the bathroom but yeah…

I discover something new overtime I walk around City of Hope. Today I discovered the "House of Hope." House of hope is a synagogue on City of Hope's campus for the patients and their families. I didn't have much time to walk around more and find out about what they have for other religions but next time I go, I'm definitely going to take some time to see what else City of Hope's campus provides for their patients and families.

I got to show my father the wishing trees today. He put up his wish on the same tree that my mom and I put our wishes on. Below is a picture of what he wrote and him hanging up the wish. 

"I wish that my beautiful daughter Kristin recovers quickly, and that this experience guides her for the rest of her long life!"

I received a package when I got home from one of my mom's best friends, Beth! I love Beth.. I saw her yesterday at the event I went to and she is just a joy to be around..not many people can make me laugh and smile but she does! I was so excited to open the package from her. In the package was two books, two seasons of House of Lies and a gift card to Intermix. Literally the three things I need right now so it was perfect. I've been trying to start reading and I'm already starting one the of the books called Tell No One by Harlan Coben. I've never heard of House of Lies (the tv show) but I can't wait to start watching it. Now I have something to do during my treatments!!! Thank you soo much Beth!

Graduation/Father's Day -- June 17

"When I hear someone sigh, 'life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'compared to what?'"
- Sydney J. Harris

I am so happy I was able to make it home to see my youngest brother graduate high school. I still see him as my baby so it's so weird to see him graduate and go to college but I couldn't be more proud of him. I love you Teddy… 

I ran into a bunch of people from my high school that told me that they have been reading my blog and have been praying for me. I love that so many people have been reaching out and giving me words of encouragement. It really has helped this process so much easier…

In addition to my brother's graduation being on Sunday, it was also Father's Day! I was told when I was younger that the first true love any girl has, is her father. I used to be like "umm..no" back in my teenager days because all teenage girls hate their parents because they wanna rebel and what not. Now, I KNOW that my father is my first love and there isn't any man that I will love more than him and there isn't any man that will provide for me like he does. I mean.. I hope I find someone that can be as amazing as my father is but I highly doubt that…especially my generation of men but let me not get started on that because this is about my father….Below are some pictures of my dad and I =)! WUV YOU DAD!

Tonight, I was able to attend a fundraising gala for Harlem Junior Tennis and Education Program. I am going to literally copy their mission from their website to further explain this program:

"Our Mission is to bring tennis to youth from high risk, low income inner-city neighborhoods and offer opportunities for self- development, while highlighting education and a positive code of behavior."

One of my mom's best friends, Katrina, is the executive director of the program and has done an amazing job! It was so nice to hear from kids in the program tonight. They shared how the program has impacted them and the older kids shared how this program helped them get into some of the top universities in the country. 

I saw so many of my mom's friends. I know that my mom told her friends I have cancer. They probably thought prior to today that I looked fragile and sick and on a death bed somewhere so I'm very glad that I was able to come and be dressed up and show that I'm perfectly fine. I know I made a lot of people feel better after seeing me in person. I forgot to take pictures WITH people at the event soooo….all I have is a picture of myself before it.

While I was home I received three gifts from my mother's friends. They are the most thoughtful gifts! I know this is like weird to say kinda…but I really feel so loved like I didn't know this many people loved me I guess I can say…I have been more happy lately than I have been in a long time and I think it really is because all of this support I've been getting. Below are the pictures of the thoughtful gifts I received =)

Suzanna is the woman on the left and she got me a blanket that says "Lymphoma Warrior  -- I will win" on it. This is perfect for when I go to treatments sitting in a hospital chair for an hour or so! Lourdes is the woman on the right and she got me two beautiful bracelets. One has an Om on it symbolizing creation, oneness and truth and the other has an Eye of Horus on it symbolizing protection, light and reason. Thank you both so much! 

My Aunt Glenda got me these three necklaces. She wanted to get my necklaces representing my blog and my experience in all. I loved that she got me a necklace with faith on it rather than fear because once you conquer fear, you have faith. Thank you so much Aunt Glenda..

anyway....It makes me sad to leave my whole family and friends because they make me happier than anything. It sucks thinking I have to go back to blood drawings, treatment and hours at a hospital I don't even feel like I belong in. My sister, unfortunately, was not home in NY but my two brothers made my trip amazing. My brother, Gibby, is the funniest person I know and makes me laugh more than anyone else and Teddy (my other brother) is the most loving person in the world. I loved seeing my best friends, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my godparents, my mothers friends....I loved seeing everyone! I'm just going to miss them so much. I think I'm just homesick even though I haven't even left yet. I love LA and want to live there but this whole experience makes me want to be home in NY more than ever. Off to Cali tomorrow....three doctors appointments RIGHT when I land...praying everything is still going great!

IM HOME! -- June 14

So I kept a huge surprise from my family and friends. No one thinks I'm able to travel but the doctor told me I can so I came to NY on Thursday! My number one fear in life is planes so I wasn't excited for the plane part. I literally go on planes ALL the time and EVERY SINGLE TIME….I either cry…go talk to the flight attendants…shake uncontrollably…or i just take some sleeping pills to knock me out. This time I had my mom so I would just hold her hand every time I was scared.

ANYWAY…once I got to NY.. My best friends Erin and Taylor and their mom Janet were supposed to meet my mom at the baggage claim thinking they were only picking her up… Taylor ended up not coming because of work but I still was able to surprise Erin! My mom came down first and I hid and came about 5 minutes after… Erin cried when she saw me so it made me cry too! 

Below is the video! (I come in at like 25 seconds)

I was able to surprise my siblings as well! My brothers were so happy to see me! I'm so happy I came home.. It's Teddy's (my youngest brother) prom and graduation this weekend so I'm so excited that I can be here to watch him go to prom and graduate high school. He will be attending Princeton in the fall! So proud….Below is a video surprising my siblings and a picture from Teddy's Prom! 

  

I'm so glad the doctor cleared me to travel to New York and be with my family and friends until Tuesday.. I really don't even want to think about going back to California and having a zillion doctors appointments but I'm just not going to think about that until I have to! More pictures to come!….